Being newly diagnosed with a life threatening illness is not only frightening and overwhelming, it ushers in questions and feelings not previously experienced. Patients begin the uncertain journey of not only learning how to live with illness, but how to navigate their interactions with the people around them.

"How do I tell people I have a life threatening illness?"

"Do I make a special call to every person I care about and tell them, or do I wait until we connect organically?"

"I don't want to be the one that makes people feel sad."

"How do I respectfully tell people I don't want their suggestions?"

"I'm not ready to die--I don't know how to wrap my head around this...will I ever find peace?"

These questions are among many of the common concerns people have shared with me through the years. Normalizing such feelings and thoughts has helped patients come to grips with their diagnosis, set boundaries with those around them, and helped them talk openly about their illness. I thought it might be beneficial to share with you some of the feedback my patients have expressed to me.

Some things people newly diagnosed with an illness don't want to hear.
The common theme with many of my patients is they do not want to be treated with pity when they share the news of their illness. Statements like, "you poor thing", only make them feel belittled and pathetic.

Though they usually welcome your good thoughts, they don't want unsolicited advise or suggestions, because it adds pressure and a sense of responsibility to their already overwhelming situation.

If you call, don't get annoyed that they don't call you back...they have a lot going on, especially in the beginning. Remember that you are one of many people who have questions, want information, or connection.

They don't wish to hear about your friend or family who were diagnosed with a similar illness. Every person's experience is unique and there is no benefit to compare it to someone else.

Telling someone that you "know or trust things will turn out fine" can feel very dismissive, especially when it comes from people who have no actual facts about that person's specific situation, and when they are not the doctor. Some patients even feel guilty for not have that same confidence.

What you can do to offer support to a person newly diagnosed with an illness?
Most people appreciate comments like, "I will be praying for you" or simply, "You will be in my thoughts". Many of my patients don't mind sharing information in their own time, and they appreciate when someone will listen without fixing, comparing, or reminding them things could be worse.

Offering specific assistance like, "I will be available to drive you (or kids) if the need arises" or "I would like to drop off a meal on Sunday" can be comforting. Let the burden of figuring out how you can help be on you, not on the sick person--they have enough to think about.

Talk about other parts of their life, not just their illness. They are still a whole person, and other parts of their life continue despite their diagnosis.

I hope these few suggestions are helpful, and I encourage you to look on-line for a more elaborate list of ideas. I believe people genuinely want to be helpful and supportive, yet saying the wrong thing can have a chilling effect on the person who is sick. Taking a few minutes to educate yourself can make all the difference when your goal is to be supportive.